Current Level of Iman: alhamdulillah, i'm aiiight
Current Book(s): booooooooooook none =(
A lil more than 12 hours until my last final and it's actually starting to hit me: I'll be graduating, i'll finally be leaving Stony Brook Univ. So how exactly am i feeling? excited? sad? apathetic? I really don't know. I'm just feeling whatever, i guess i'm trying not to think about it.
One emotion that i'm definetely feeling is regret. Regret of being an average student, regret of having only a handful of As, regret of giving priority to hanging out these past four years over studying, regret of not being more adamant in my search for a job. I know having regret usually isn't very productive (unless one actually learns from the regret and works not to feel it), but i just can't help it. The only thing that gives me comfort is that somehow i know that this was meant for me and i trust in God that something better is at hand. My grades, my jobless state, this regretful point in my life, all of it is all because of my self and the poor choices i've made, but i have faith in God that He has better things in store for me, though they may not be apparent or even come in this life.
One thing i have noticed is that this recent apathetic state has also affected my deen, and i am really going back to just pleasing my nafs. I've been growing more and more distant from God and it is I who is walking away from Him and though He will always turn up right on my path, it will be I who turns around yet again. I honestly cannot wait for the semester to end and for me to graduate. I need to get out of this environment which has made me so spiritually lax. I can't wait to get back home and spend my late nights the way i used to. I want to start reading Qur'an again, i want to start memorized Qur'an again, i want to start reading up on the tons of books i have and the tons of books that interest me.
Well back to the issue of finals .... you know over the years i've come to realize one thing, that is that all things pass, everything. There is no better time that one realizes this other than during finals. Cuz literally people are so STRESSED over finals, it's nuts. People will stay up all night for days on end to study and study and study, but then right there during the 2.5 hours they have for the final, they don't remember any of that time spent, even if they totally bomb the final they feel relieved because it's over, it's finally over, it's quite amazing, cuz literally people are surprised that they're still alive sometimes. FInals totally consume one's life and stress ppl to the point that they think they're gonna die. And no kidding, some ppl just can't stand that one moment of apprehension and commit suicide (there are numerous cases of college students committing suicide), pretty sad. I've come to realize that 'hey no matter what happens i'm still alive after that test' and i guess it's helped me prepare for the finals that have came around this year. For instace the engineering test i had today, i studied for it for less than 2 hours cuz this brother who knew the material basically taught it all to me. I wasn't stressed for that test at all. and right now i'm going to just spend the next 6 - 8 hours (not counting the 2-3 hour nap) to study for this chem test.
Disclaimer: If you are still an undergrad, do NOT follow my methods =] Study your butt off for your finals