| Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 09:48 pm ma vie |
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Life .....
Wow livejournal, haven't written in ages, just like a good friend you're right there, a button click away on my links toolbar, ready to have me write another nonsensical entry filled with poor grammar. Hmmm so let's see what's goin on with me, what do i wanna get off of my chest/mind?
I think the theme of this entry is going to be about how hard it really is to be a good muslim, hmmm wait, is that the right term to use? what makes a 'good muslim'? What makes you a muslim? the shahada right? just the uttering of those blessed words? Yeah, i guess. so i guess it's correct in saying that it's tough being a 'good' muslim, right? yeah well, it's really tough ....
O God, I miss Ramadhan so much, i really do.... I mean you know how if someone close to you like a close relative or even one of your parents or best friend goes off to some other state or country and you just MISS them? that's how i'm feeling towards Ramadhan. You really dont see something's (or SOMEONE's) worth until it's gone. Subhan Allah! I mean thinking back to how easy things were in ramadhan really makes me see why it is so honored and why its station is so high with respect to all the other months.
But you dont realize it unless you actually sit down and reflect, we all just BUSY ourselves ALLLLLL THE TIME!! I mean I wake up late, barely enough time for a shower, throw on some clothes, get to the train station about a minute before the train does, cross the tracks before those bells start ringing and the long bar comes down, get some "shut eye" on the 50 minute train ride, then hurriedly jump out of the car along with about 100 other people and then make my way to the subway with about a thousand other people, walking fast, almost running, past people who are lost or just generally slow, go up another flight of stairs, wait impatiently for the train, get angry if i'm waiting for more than just a minute, get out of the train when my stop comes out with about 30 other commuters from your car and neighboring cars heading for one narrow flight of stairs, get outside, get on line for breakfast, get to work, busy yourself there, take this call, answer this email, arrange this meeting, go out with people for lunch, come back, get your work done, think about what you should do to fill up the remaining moments of the day before heading back into the subway and then train to finally get home, rest a little and then distract yourself and waste your time by going online oh until about or after midnight and then repeat. whew! I'm tired just writing all of that, now the problem is that half of the things or prolly more or just things i put on myself to give me temporal satisfaction, it's all part of the modern world: we all want things fast, theres fast food, thers remote controls, theres express pay, speed pass, EZPass, delivery, online stores, music "on demand": INSTANT GRATIFICATION. it's all just distractions.
BUt sometimes by the Mercy and Grace of God Almighty we're hit with Reality, it all then suddenly catches up with me, the lack of qur'an reading, the missed salats, how i treat my parents and other close friends, WHAT AM I REALLY DOING WITH MY LIFE! Ahhh i'm not living it the way i shoudl be, i'mnot in control, He is, why am I not acknowledging that fact? Why do i keep forgetting Him and where I'm eventually going? These moments of clarity are rare so if you ever catch one then grab hold of them and try not to let go. I feel so weak and helpless and so I let go, let go of all these distractions, i let go and I just submit, submit and plead, ask for forgiveness and for clarity. Clarity comes with tears, tears help to wash away all the blackness you've accrued on your heart. Clarity comes from this cleansed heart, Peace comes from this cleansed heart.
I guess I'm faced with one of these moments right now. Everything is just catching up to me. I pray for tears and for clarity. |
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